| Changes |
[Jan. 20th, 2009|10:50 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | My bed! | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Without Love- Hairspray | ] |
The 44th President of the US, the 1st black President was inaugurated today. It was an auspicious occasion, a day for the history books. To be honest the first thought that went through my mind was shock. I was, I AM incredibly surprised that no one has tried to hurt Obama. America has progressed exponentially in the past century. Yet, I'm not naive enough to say that there aren't groups of people in the country and in the world that are afraid of an African American having this kind of power. There are probably people who think it's downright wrong.
This isn't to say that I am one of these people by any stretch of the imagination. I'm proud that my country can look past the color of a man's skin and see his vision, regardless of whether or not they agree with said vision. The pundits had it right today. It's awe inspiring to see a man who wouldn't have been able to eat lunch at the same table as his Vice President fifty-years ago take the most sacred oath of office in the land. I don't necessarily buy into Obama's politics, but I WILL tell my children about the day that America proved it is really a free country.
After all, isn't that what this country is all about? We live in land of opportunity. A land that is supposed to look beyond the color of our skin, beyond our faith, beyond our social and economic class, beyond our sexual orientation and see us for who we really are. I'm human and I am the first to admit that I make mistakes. Who among us can say that they've never made a mistake? Who among us can say that they've never had a regret?
A topic I've been thinking a lot about lately is judgment. Who has the right to judge? My personal belief is that we are our own judge and our own jury. It shouldn't matter what others think of us. Yes, if there are glaring flaws in our character we should try work on them but other than that who cares what people think? Who cares if our clothes are trendy enough, if our hair is straight enough or blond enough. Who cares what tv shows we like or what music we listen to. Our strength of character should be infinitely more important.
I'm babbling but what I mean is that the only opinion of ourselves that matter is our own opinion. I'm going to live by my rules. I don't care what anyone else thinks. And unfortunately, I've found most people I've met to be shallow and fake. There are so many important things in life. Things like who got invited to the party and who didn't are meaningless in the big picture.
Perhaps I'm being pretentious and holier than thou. I just keep finding that I have a problem with the way people fundamentally act. I do the best I can, or at least I try to. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. But I do try. I hate the way this is coming out because it sounds like I hate the world and everyone in it and that simply isn't true. I love my friends and I love my family. I would literally do anything for them. I just don't want my brother and sister growing up in a world that is so critical of who they fundamentally are. Why can't we all just be ourselves?
Today, America succeeded. A man who didn't even have the right to vote 150 years ago is now our president. Regardless of your personal feelings for the man or his politics, you've got to admit that this is progress. And if it isn't I don't know what is. |
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| The Kids Will Be Alright... |
[Jan. 19th, 2009|01:06 am] |
It's been a long time since I've written in a journal. Too long in fact. Second semester of Junior year began last week. I'm twenty. I own a car. I had a job. I'm growing up. And it really scares me.
The past year can be described as nothing short of tumultuous. I had a serious relationship which obviously ended in heartbreak (I'm beginning to think I can't have a relationship that ends in any other fashion). I've been thinking a lot about that lately. My apparent inability to have a healthy relationship. It seems so cliche but all I've come up with is that I'm scared to get hurt. It's easier to push people away and make them hate you. I know that what Jeff thinks of me and my character is not who I really am. Somehow that makes his hatred bearable. The worst part is that I don't think I ever loved him. I didn't. I was never in love with him. But he was perfect. He was the boy I should have been in love with. He was smart, kind, sincere, noble, every glowing adjective under the sun. On paper he was perfect for me. But I didn't want him. Don't get me wrong, I cared for him. I cared for him a great deal and I still care for him as a person. I never fell for him though. The passion, the spark, the chemistry of being "in love" was never there. I wanted to be in love with him so badly. I convinced myself that I was. It couldn't last though. That self deception betrayed me early on. I hurt him irrevocably. I didn't mean to. It wasn't done out of vindictiveness. It was subconscious. But that doesn't detract from the fact that I DID hurt him. For that I am truly sorry. And I have to live with the knowledge that I broke him and that there's nothing I can do to fix it.
At the same time he blames me for changing him. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent," I think the same principle applies here. No one can change you. You change yourself. Yes, shit happens in life that affects all of us. But you have control over how it affects you. You can choose to beat something, to not let it take over your life. Maybe I'm telling myself this to make me feel better but I don't believe that I changed him for the worse. And I don't believe that I sent him into a depression. It's not my fault that he has issues letting go and moving on. I admit I hurt him. I admit I made mistakes. But we're young. We're supposed to bounce back. It takes time but you can't dwell on the horrible and the irreversible. Otherwise there would be no reason to get out of bed in the morning. Perhaps I am consoling myself for causing him so much pain. I just can't accept that I am the sole cause of his depression and personality differences.
I've been struggling with a lot lately. All of the so called "big ideas" have been running through my mind constantly. I want to be okay with who I am and not care about what others think. I'm trying desperately to be a good person and do the right thing but sometimes I want to get angry and yell and let others know I think they suck. Who is anyone to judge me? Who am I to judge anyone? We're all human. Live and let live. It's a great life lesson.
I have so much more that I want to say but it's 1:20 in the morning and I've been up for a long time. I'll write more when I am refreshed. My parting words will be brief but I hope they are profound and meaningful. I'm 20. I have my whole life ahead of me and I am just now beginning to truly know myself. Life is a journey and ours is just beginning. Stay close to your friends, for they are your best and most valuable resources. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2007|02:58 pm] |
My back hurts...and I can barely walk.
I'm judging at Villiger this weekend....mistakes will definitely be made.
Update later. |
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| And so it begins... |
[Aug. 25th, 2007|10:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the dorm <3 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  exhausted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Try (Macy Gray) | ] |
Sophomore year. I got here today (after sitting in traffic for 2 hours) and set up my room (a single! yay!). I got my books etc with my dad and life is pretty good. We had dinner at a nice restaurant and then got baskin robbins. After they left I actually did some cleaning and organizing myself. My room is pretty much livable now. Blah. More later. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2007|10:07 pm] |
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Sometimes I really wonder why I do the things I do. Why do I have commitment issues? Why do I try to hide my feelings from the people I care about? Am I really going to be happier this way? Sometimes I think I should just tell people how I feel. But then I try to tell them and they don't seem responsive. I don't know what to do anymore... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|09:36 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my beddy <3 | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Come On Over (Christina Aguliera) | ] |
I do not like this. I do not like this one bit. We used to be so damn close. He told me everything. Now we hardly ever say a word to eachother and we can barely look at eachother. I guess feelings are just too hard to put aside sometimes... |
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| Life, Love...you know all the important things. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2007|09:16 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | bed :) | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | bad and dangerous (mchael jackson songs) | ] |
So I've come to the conclusion that I am my own worst enemy. I do, however, say that with some amount of doubt. Relationships are tricky and we all know that...they get exponentially more complicated when you add pain into the equation.
So is there a right way to deal with that pain and the person that has left your life? I've been thinking about this a lot in the past month and I honestly still have no idea. While there is a big part of me that wants him back in my life (as a friend at least, if not more), I fall far short of achieving that goal in practice. I know I'm angry with him because he hurt me (a feat that has not been overcome many times in my life) and because I let him hurt me. But I think there's something else to it. I want to say that my instinct is stopping me from going back to him, even if we would be "just friends". But then, why do I let myself text him or call him, even after my initial instinct was to ignore his IMs? Is it guilt? I think a part of it is. When I have time to think about my words and actions I regret them to some extent, at the very least I feel bad about them. Why is that if I am indeed doing the right thing by ignoring him and not letting him back into my life? I don't know the answer but I've come to the conclusion that a big part of it is fear.
It's true, I admit it. I am afraid to talk to him. Very afraid to talk to him in fact. So much so that when my friends (even after I asked them not to) left me alone with him while they walked back inside I only muttered "not much" in reply to his "what's up?" and followed my friends back inside only to ignore him for the rest of the day. Now I know this seems bitchy and maybe even uncalled for. But I'm not sure it is.
What, exactly, is the custom for relating to someone who not one month earlier stated that he didn't even want to maintain a friendship? I gotta say kids, that one hurts...A LOT. Am I just supposed to roll over when he comes back offering his olive branch? It's made more complicated when you think about the other person not as an abstract "man" but as a flesh and blood human being. By that I mean that when I think about the idea of what has gone on I very conclusively come to the realization that I am in fact doing the right thing. However, when I think about the individual person and all of the baggage that comes with him, I'm not so sure. I know he has his own issues and his own problems and I understand that, really I do. In fact, I more than understand. I CARED about him, a lot. And not in a "oh you're cute, I have a crush on you" sort of way. I really cared about him. And that's saying something. In fact, I put his needs and wants ahead of my own a lot of the time. But there comes a point when I have to step back and remind myself that I matter too.
Relationships are not one way streets. I have my own issues, my own problems, my own baggage, all of which require some attention and at least a little care. I can't justify denying the fact that sometimes I need someone to be there for me, to tell me that everything will be ok, to hold me, to comfort me, to tell me it's ok if I want to cry (not that I actually would).
There are a lot of issues here, but it all comes down to this: clearly I still care about the boy otherwise I would not be giving it this much thought, but what do I do with those feelings? Do I put aside the belief that what he did was wrong and my belief that he can't have me back in his life just because he wants it that way? Do I hold onto my beliefs and feel the guilt and the pain of his glances and the horror of not having him in my life anymore? Should I at least talk to him to hear him out? On that last point, yes I am aware that the mature thing to do would be to talk to him, however, I'm not sure I could withstand him enough to say no if he asked if we could be friends again and I'm not sure that's something I really want. Until I do figure that out, talking to him remains dangerous.
Sadly, I have not figured out the answer yet. And, as much as I would love it if someone could, no one can tell me what the right thing to do is. This is for me and me alone to decide. I hope all of you have better luck in your lives and love affairs than I do and remember: All is fair in love and war...and I'm beginning to think that the two are exactly the same. |
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| It's been WAY too long |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|01:39 pm] |
It's been so long since my last post I don't even know where to start. I'm definitely not the same person I was in October (at the time of my last post), but some things are still the same. I still miss Sandy, I still miss my bed and my house and real food. I still miss Katie and Teddy. I still love school. I still love the people here and the opportunities and of course the parties.
I'm not so crazy about VST anymore though. I can't really verbalize it but the people. They're just not as serious about it as I am and it kind of annoys me.
I'm doing a lot better with personal issues. I'm a lot more secure and a lot more in control of my temper and emotions. I haven't lost my temper in a really long time.
I don't really know what else to say. I'll update when I figure out what else I want to say. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|04:59 pm] |
Girl facts:
When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her mind.
When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.
When a girl keeps calling
shes trying to make sure she doesnt lose you
When a girl looks at you with eyes full of questions,
she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a girl answers, "I'm fine," after a few seconds,
she is not at all fine.
When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so wonderful.
When a girl lays on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.
When a girl calls you everyday,
she is seeking for your attention.
When a girl wants to see you everyday,
she wants to be pampered.
When a girl says, "I'll love you forever,"
she means it.
When a girl says that she can't live without you,
she has made up her mind that you are her future.
When a girl says, "I miss you,"
no one in this world can miss you more than that |
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| Girl Stuff |
[May. 1st, 2006|04:59 pm] |
30 THINGS GUYS SHOULD KNOW ABOUT GIRLS:
This was written by a guy who has had years of experience.
1. Whatever you do, don't just show up at their house...they run around in their underwear just like we do.
2. DON'T CHEAT ON THEM. It may seem foolproof, but girls tell each other everything about everything. Trust me, they WILL find out and you will be mud.
3. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your ass at the drop of a hat, and a lot of them wouldn't even wait for the damn hat.
4. NEVER miss an opportunity to tell them they're beautiful.
5. DON'T refuse to kiss in front of your friends. If they laugh at you, it's because they're jealous.
6. If they slap you hard, you deserved it.
7. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.
8. If you don't sleep with them, DO NOT tell your friends that you did.
8.5 If you DO sleep with them, DON'T tell your friends that you did.
9. You can be dirty minded in private, really...most of them are not offended by it...
10. Not all of them eat like birds, a lot of them can eat like whales.
11. Most of them don't mind paying half of everything, but they do discuss these things with their friends. Realize that if you make your girlfriend pay half all the time, everyone will know about it and your friends will know you're a pussy..
11.5 Do you honestly need all your money that much? Be a man, pay all the time!
12. Every girl should eventually get three things from her boyfriend- a stuffed animal, ONE OF HIS SWEATSHIRTS, and a really PRETTY RING. Even if it's not a serious relationship.
13. Make sure she gets home safely as often as you can. If you're dropping her off, walk her to the door. If you aren't dropping her off, call to be sure she's home safely.
14. If a guy is bothering her, it is your right to beat the shit out of him.
15. If you're talking to a female friend of yours, PULL YOUR girlfriend closer.
16. NEVER, ever slap her, even if it's just in a joking way. Even if she swats you first, and says, "Oh, you're so dumb" or something, never make any gestures back.
17. Go to a chick flick once in a while. She doesn't care whether you enjoy it or not, it just matters that you went.
18. You're dead meat if you can't get along with their pets, parents, and best friends. Be prince charming to their friends, Mr. Polite to their parents, and make sure to be nice to their animals.
19. Don't flirt with their moms...that's just freaky.
20. Don't be freaked out by PMS. It's not gross, and it really does make them feel like shit, so be understanding.
21. If you don't like the way they drive, you do it.
22. If you're officially dating, and you're introducing her to your friends, you'd better damn well introduce her as your girlfriend.
23. Don't stress where you go for every date. They really only want to be with you.
24. If they complain that something hurts, rub it for them without being asked.
25. Girls are fragile. Even if you're play fighting/wrestling, be very gentle.
26. Memorize their god damn birthdays. You forget her birthday and you're basically screwed for life.
27. Don't marinade the cologne, but smell good.
28. Don't give her something stupid for her birthday or Christmas or Valentine's day. It doesn't have to be expensive, but it has to be meaningful.
29. If you think the relationship isn't going to last, don't wait to find out. It will only hurt her more if you draw it out.
30. After you've been dating for a while, realize that they really have started to trust you. When you have a girlfriend who truly trusts you, you have a lot more responsibility, privilege and control than you would think. Be careful with it, most guys would kill for that kind of power, and it can be lost in a nanosecond.
(If you have read this and you are a girl, then some of these things are actually really true...am I right?! And if you read this and you are a guy, then these are like the mother fuckin best tips you could ever get!)
You now have 2 options...
1) Repost this bulletin and you will have good luck in all your relationships.
2) Ignore this, and you will have bad luck in all your relationships...now you wouldn't want that, would you
This was written by a guy who has had years of experience
Re-post so EVERY GUY will know how to treat a lady. |
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